you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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