My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
