I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
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