i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
