I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
