Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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