It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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