I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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