Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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