did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
