Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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