I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
