Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
