I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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