new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
