I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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