I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
