Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize