So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
