When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
