When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
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