ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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