I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
