WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
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