its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize