well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
