you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
