haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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