ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
