Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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