I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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