I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
