it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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