I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
