I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
