drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
