Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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