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• (480): View more from Arizona

  Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."

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• (973): View more from New Jersey

  I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.

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• (402): View more from Nebraska

  Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.

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• (843): View more from South Carolina

  My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.

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• (702): View more from Nevada

  But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!

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• (434): View more from Virginia

  He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.

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• (573): View more from Missouri

  I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.

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• (561): View more from Florida

  I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates

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• (248): View more from Michigan

  I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.

  (810): View more from Michigan

  We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.

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• (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.

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• (310): View more from California

  Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)

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• (650): View more from California

  have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children

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• (708): View more from Illinois

  Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.

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• (256): View more from Alabama

  I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.

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• (972): View more from Texas

  I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.

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