I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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