i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
