____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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