I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
