i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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