It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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