I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
so let's talk penis.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
