Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
