i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I supernannyed him into submission
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
