When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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