I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Randomize