Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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