I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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