Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Randomize
