there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
