Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Randomize
