It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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