I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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