The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
