i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
barbara walters just said penis...
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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