I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
