She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
