I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
