she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
