Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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