Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
