Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
