Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
