Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
