Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I will be naked everywhere
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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