I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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