Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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